Guru Rugu: Chicken Ritual sans Santeria, with Passenger-siderita

Miami residents came together on Tuesday, June 11th, 2013, in a rare show of solidarity over a recent rash of car burglaries. Cannonball resident, Guru Rugu, led residents through a “Hope Wings” chicken ritual sans santeria in an attempt to help purge the neighborhood of the “bag energy” he said was plaguing neighborhood parking lots.

Miami’s Broken Windows

11 June 2013, filed by Guru Rugu
for Andrew Choate

MIAMI – A recent rash of supposed car burglaries in the Miami-Dade Metro area have kept residents in fear as of late, and though many here continue to chalk such behavior up to the usual set of vandals and thieves from a neighborhood in “transition,” new evidence has come to light in recent hours which clearly indicate there’s more to this story. Guru Rugu interviewed several eyewitnesses who have provided Outward from Nothingness with a stunning set of first-hand accounts of the real causes of broken car windows in Downtown Miami around the weekend of June 7th.

One eyewitness, Dominique, claimed to have seen a pack of young unicorns who temporarily escaped their Atlantisean dwelling on the back of an overly confident, sweet-talkin’, 21 year-old Pegasus, and after lapping up way too much swampwater the group started picking people’s locks with their horns, but got tired after several failed attempts and finally broke the windows with their hooves. To their dismay the delicious glowsticks they thought would be in the glove compartments were nowhere to be found.

Another eyewitness, Christopher, reported a band of transdimensional trannies the size of sprites who came to Overtown that evening jonesing for the lucky panes of passenger-side glass here that are well-known in other dimensions for their powerful clairvoyant capabilities when crunched up into rugged crystal balls and stared into to deliver prophesy and dating advice. Being too tiny to carry more than a few glassy nuggets back with them, these high-heeled mini-miners pranced away, leaving behind piles of fresh window crumbles, vowing, “We’ll be back for the rest of you mañana, honey!”, though so far residents report that the suspects have yet to return.

Harboring windspeeds of up to 447 mph, Mini-Hurricane Humphrey apparently hit land the night of Friday June 7th, but garnered little attention from meteorological authorities since it only spanned about half-a-foot in diameter. One eyewitness, Robert, first noticed it around 2:33am inside Club Mekka on NE 2nd Ave, where Mini-Hurricane Humphrey soon stumbled out onto the street, bumping into vehicles in the Cannonball parking lot and into other nearby late-nite street-revelers before finally puttering out along the shoreline of SE Bicentennial Park about 30 minutes later.

Yet another resident, Sarah, professed recently that a previously unnoticed, underground trade war that’s been simmering for years between two rival communities of ethnic thrift-sylphs fluttering near the Flamingo Plaza had finally bubbled over, resulting in brawls of glitter and glass throughout the Miami-Dade Metropolitan area. Local hospitals reported taking in at least five thrift-sylphs with injuries including punctured wings, broken antennae, as well as one case of near-asphyxiation from the use of a torn Miami Heat jersey. There are conflicting reports, however, that some of the damage that evening may have actually been caused by riot-control druids who arrived at the scene with slingshots and had restored order by around 4:45am.